


Dungeons & Dragons & Deadpool

by xenosaurus



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Comedy, Developing Relationship, Dungeons & Dragons, Friendship, I can't believe Emma is Cable's stepmother, I had to deal with the Summers family tree for this, I put the movies and the comics in a blender and turned the setting to 'college au', M/M, Sexual Humor, Sibling Bonding, please appreciate my suffering, there's some Scott/Emma in the background
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-09 14:11:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14717600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xenosaurus/pseuds/xenosaurus
Summary: Wade Wilson is playing Dungeons & Dragons to get laid.  This seems counterintuitive, but it's still true.





	1. if you're here for shatterstar, you'll have to wait for chapter two

**Author's Note:**

> I started this in 2016 and abandoned it for two years, then decided the 400 words in my drafts were still funny and revived it in honor of the new movie. It now has SHATTERSTAR and YUKIO, what else do you need?
> 
> Peter and Gwen are based on the 2012/2014 movies, and everyone else is a free-for-all.
> 
> Also, big belated thanks to my wonderful friend Benny, who is my beta for this monster!

Nathan Summers is six feet, eight inches of muscle with premature grey hair and a standing invitation to every sports team in the school. He ignores them all and hangs out with the science fiction club. He is, gently put, a huge fucking nerdlord in a jock’s body.

Wade wants to climb him like a tree.

“I know. You’ve told me twice since breakfast.”

Peter’s voice snaps Wade out of his daydreaming.

“Are you reading my mind? Is that one of your spider powers? You have to tell me if it is,” Wade demands, pointing an accusatory finger at his roommate.

“My _what_ powers? No, you were thinking out loud. Again. I really don’t need to know this much about your love life, dude.”

“Hey, I listen to your romantic troubles! Return the favor, Petey.”

“You read my texts to Gwen while I’m in the shower! I keep telling you, it isn’t the same as us having a heart to heart!”

“Get a better password, then. Your girlfriend’s birthday? Really?”

Peter runs a hand through his hair and sighs like he’s being crushed by the weight of the world. Peter “Atlas” Parker.

“Don't call me that,” Peter complains halfheartedly. Right. Think your thoughts, Wade, don’t say them.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now that you know my secret, you’ve totally got to help me out.”

“No. Wade, _no_. Don’t look at me like that, I told you, I’m not going to be your wingman anymore. I’m tired of getting caught up in police stings.”

“That was one time!”

“It was twice and you know it. No way.”

*

“Do you have any openings in your tabletop games?” Peter asks Nate, who is looking at him with no emotion whatsoever. Peter hasn’t felt this awkward since high school. He’s a little afraid Nate is going to punch him, even if that isn’t usually his M.O. They have an engineering class in common, but they don’t actually _talk_. Peter’s still not sure how Wade knows Nate either, given that Wade is a culinary student who only comes to the engineering building to annoy Peter.

Wade gives him two enthusiastic thumbs up from his hiding spot behind a street lamp. Peter makes yet another mental note to find a different roommate for next year.

“Is this for you or Wade Wilson?” Nate asks, his voice perfectly level. Peter winces.

“Uh. About that…”

“Tell Wade if he wants to play, he has to behave. My little sister comes to these games.”

“Oh, uh. Cool! Didn't know you had a sister, man.”

“That's because we are not friends.”

“Right! Okay! I'm going to just. Leave now.”

Peter is going to _kill_ Wade.

*

Peter doesn’t actually kill Wade. That would cut the narrative short and it would be, like, _totally_ out of character. Which is a compliment! Petey's a nice guy!

“Uh, yeah, I know,” Gwen says, once Wade’s done explaining this to her. She’s been visibly confused through the entire one-sided conversation.

“Aw, cute, you totally like him!” Wade coos.

“You... _do_ know we're dating, right? Me and Peter?”

“Hey, it’s hard to keep up with that kind of stuff! There have been a lot of reboots, you know!”

While sweet, innocent, very alive Gwen Stacy gives Wade a look of complete bafflement, Peter comes back from the bathroom.

“Wade! I thought you were in class!” Peter says, shooting his girlfriend an apologetic look.

“I’m the protagonist, Petey boy, protagonists never go to class! Haven’t you seen High School Musical?”

“They go to class in High School Musical,” Gwen says.

“Eh, just as well. I’m a shit singer,” Wade says, shrugging. “Iconic pieces of media that I watched while high aside, I need you nerds to teach me how to play Dungeons & Dragons!”

“Why do you assume we play DnD?” Peter asks, frowning.

“Because you’re nerds! All nerds play DnD! I bet if I went through your desk, I’d find enough dice to play Craps until my fingers bleed!”

“You don’t use a d20 for Craps,” Peter sighs.

“A- _ha_! You _do_ play DnD! You know all twenty Ds, not just the two! Come on, Petey, you gotta teach me the secrets of the eighteen Ds! We’ve got dungeons, we’ve got dragons, give me the rest!”

“Why don’t you ask Nate to teach you?”

“What, like that scene in Ghost? He lovingly stands behind me, dick pressed all up on my back, but instead of pottery, he’s showing me how to roll some sexy, sexy dice?”

“Okay, that comparison _really_ doesn’t make me want to teach you,” Peter argues.

“We could always make a deal,” Gwen suggests, coming out of left field to become the MVP of Wade’s life.

“Oooh, go on,” he says, making encouraging hand gestures. Peter looks wary, but less than he did a moment ago.

“We’ll teach him to play DnD, but he has to stop showing up at all of our dinner dates.”

“Ouch, that’s a pretty big sacrifice, Gwen, baby, how about we meet in the middle? I’ll still show up, but I’ll sit outside and watch mournfully through the windows?”

“No,” Peter and Gwen say, perfectly in unison. Awww, it’s so cute when couples start mirroring each other.

“One night a week of the dorm room all to yourself, blind eye turned to any adult activities, that’s my final offer,” Wade says, holding up his hands.

Gwen and Peter look at each other, communicating with their eyes in that way only twins and elderly married couples can really pull off. When they’re done with their ocular telepathy, Peter turns back to Wade.

“Fine. But we get to pick the day.”

“No Wednesdays, though! We need to all be together on the holiest of days!” Wade insists.

“I’m going to regret asking, but what’s special about Wednesdays?” Peter asks, and his face says that he not only regrets asking, but regrets the very existence of Wednesdays themselves.

“It’s _comic book day_ , we need emotional support for potential retcons and children from the future!”

Peter sighs heavily. “Yeah, fine, not Wednesday. Gwen, any objections?”

“I think we’re getting the better end of the deal, here. Want me to get my dice?”

“Yeah, I left mine at home--”

“Do you think I can get solid gold dice? Would that impress the hotties or would it seem gaudy?” Wade asks, interrupting Peter.

“Yeah, I already regret this.”


	2. the impending wizard singalong petition

After the fourth time Wade puts one of Gwen’s dice in his mouth, she just gives him the whole set. It’s a major victory, because Wade only has about four dollars and the comic book store won’t let him pay for things with stolen cafeteria food. That only works for bribing stoners into helping him collect toads.

Toads aside, he now _sort of_ understands the concept of Dungeons  & Dragons. Peter insists you don’t have to dress up to play it, and Gwen puts her head in her hands for a full three minutes after Wade asks if the dice are for gambling with your souls.

“Hey, I’m not judging, I just wanna be prepared! I’ve seen some _very_ convincing religious propaganda. Do I have to bring my own goat’s blood?”

“Just… bring the dice. To be on the safe side, don’t bring _anything else_ ,” Peter says, in a tone that screams ‘I give up!’.

Wade decides to abandon the letter of the law and stick with the spirit, so he shoves his secondhand dice, his wallet, a hello kitty stress ball, and four loose gel pens into the pockets of his pants. Good to go.

“Try not to miss me too much!” Wade says, waving enthusiastically to Peter, who does not reciprocate the gesture.

The meeting spot is outside one of the dorm buildings, the one which has been recently graffitied with some _spectacularly_ detailed genitalia. The whole campus got a passive aggressive email about it last week. There are two people already sitting on the steps, a beautifully mismatched set.

One of them is an Asian guy who would probably come off as handsome if not for the huge black star he’s painted over his left eye. Instead, Wade’s first impression is “member of Kiss who ran out of white foundation”. Between that, his bright red hair, and his shockingly white leather jacket, he’s eye-catching as fuck. His buddy is Latino, with chin-length brown hair and stubble juuust long enough that Wade thinks it might count as a beard. He’s dressed more like an exhausted college student, rocking boring jeans and a boring t-shirt to go with the thermos of coffee which is probably part of the aesthetic.

“Did you guys wander off the set of The Breakfast Club? You look like you’re ready to learn that you’re not so different after all.”

The guy with the star on his face looks up, not quite frowning. “While that was the overall theme of the movie, they still made Brian write the essay for them at the end. It was an unfortunate addition that showed the biases of the time even more than intended.”

Wade narrows his eyes and points an accusatory finger at star-face. “You’re either majoring in film studies or sociology, and either way, it doesn’t excuse mansplaining Breakfast Club to me.”

Star-face turns to his friend, who is looking at Wade like he’s lost his mind.

“Julio, I was under the impression that you can only mansplain to women. Is that incorrect?” Star-face asks, frowning properly now.

“He’s fucking with you, Star. You’re Wade?”

“That’s me!” Wade says, grinning. He points to Star’s eye. “So, which came first, the nickname or the horrible makeup choices?”

“That’s his actual name,” Julio sighs.

That sends Wade for a loop. “Wait, you’re telling me that the guy with the star painted on his face is actually _named_ Star?”

“My parents are both in the entertainment business. I’ve been told that it explains a lot,” Star says.

“Well, at least it explains the jacket. White leather, really?”

“Yours is not the opinion that matters when it comes to my appearance,” Star says, and maybe that would have been up for interpretation if Julio had a better poker face. The way he flushes and drops eye contact says it all.

“Oh my god, you guys are totally boning. Is this like, an LGBT DnD group? Wow, that was a lot of letters. Are there gay wizards? I am going to be so excited if there are gay wizards.”

“We’re just friends playing a stupid game, we aren’t an LGBT organization,” Julio says. He seems extremely exasperated, which isn’t exactly a new type of conversation partner for Wade.

“Also, our party doesn’t have a wizard,” Star says, understanding the _actually_ important part of what Wade said.

“Dammit, and here I’ve already committed to playing a bard. Unless wizards also get to sing?”

“Nate banned singing,” Julio says.

“What?! That’s a travesty!” Wade protests.

“In fairness to Nate, I believe that was at the request of his step-mother,” Star points out. “She isn’t a fan of musicals. If you’d like confirmation, we could always ask Neena. She’s known the Summers the longest. Hello, Neena.”

Star raises a hand in greeting to someone behind Wade, who twirls to see who has joined the conversation. Neena turns out to be a black girl with loads of hair and a patch of paler skin around one eye. The t-shirt she’s wearing says ‘LUCKY’ in bold font, and she’s carrying a messenger bag.

“Hey Star, Julio. And I’m gonna take a wild guess and say you’re Wade?”

“How’d you guess?”

“Well, one, you’re at our meeting spot, and two, I took most of those pictures of Nate you’ve been liking at 3am. You’re all over my facebook feed.”

Crap. Exposed.

“Let’s change the subject from my thirst-following habits!” Wade says, but everyone mostly ignores him.

“Nate doesn’t even use facebook. Didn’t Hope make his account?” Julio asks.

“She did,” Star confirms.

“Yeah, but that just means I can tag him in whatever horrible pictures I want and he never complains.”

“There are no bad pictures of Nathan C. C. Summers! Only hot ones and funny ones! Also, does he really have two middle names?” Wade asks, which makes Neena laugh.

“Yeah, he does,” she confirms.

“Huh. I always kind of assumed it was a typo,” Wade says with a shrug.

“Ask his dad about it,” Neena says, shrugging right back. Wade, not to be out-shrugged, shrugs again. Neena doesn’t take the bait this time.

While Wade is trying to figure out if a shrug-war is in some way related to a dance-off, Nate comes out of the front doors they’re all lingering around. He’s as hot as always, wearing a shirt tight enough to show off those rocking pecs. His prosthetic arm goes up far enough that it disappears under his sleeve; Wade isn’t sure where it stops.

“Good. Everyone’s here,” Nate says, in place of an actual greeting.

“The last time we were late you left without us,” Julio grumbles.

“I did not enjoy the bus trip that followed,” Star says.

“Wait, we’re going somewhere? I thought we were playing in Nate’s room,” Wade asks. How is he supposed to get inspiration for pickup lines from Nate’s stuff if he doesn’t get to see Nate’s stuff?

“We play at Nate’s house. He’s local, and his sister’s friends come over to play with us,” Neena explains.

Oh, hell yes. That’s even _more_ personal. This is the jackpot.

“Which is precisely why I expect you to be on your best behavior. I will not hesitate to kick you out,” Nate says, addressing this to Wade directly.

“What, so, like, no cursing? How old are these kids?”

“Just keep it PG-13, dude, they’re high schoolers,” Julio says.

“Oh, if they’re in high school, they’ve probably already seen at least one weed-fueled hookup in a public bathroom,” Wade says.

“What the fuck kind of high school did you go to?” Julio asks, making a face.

“Yeah, they did that on the bus at my school,” Neena says.

“This is exactly the type of conversation that you should not have with my sister,” Nate says, glaring around at his friends. Does Wade count as one of his friends yet?

He’s going to say yes.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is [xenosaurus](http://xenosaurus.tumblr.com), please talk to me about mutants


End file.
